June 23, 2012

• You think I’m weak, I think you’re wrong

  

  You made him want to leave the one he was with and start a new relationship with you, which he ultimately ended up doing. But it wasn’t easy for either of you, and it wasn’t smart either. Going from being the other girl to the main woman always left you questioning if there would always be another girl behind it all. He was a repeat offender and it didn’t stop with you, but now that he’s grown up you see he’s finally given up on having his cake and eating it too. At least for her, you can only hope so.

  

  Every day that we don’t speak is another day i don’t need you. And as I slowly stop missing you, I realize that you weren’t that important to me anyways.

  

  Don’t be so damn hard on yourself. Yeah, you screwed up. You’re not perfect, fine. Learn from it. But don’t punish yourself. Be kind to you, even when you screw up. You’ll bounce back eventually. You’ll make up for it.

  

  I know how you feel: disappointed, stupid, and foolish. Just when you think he could be everything you ever wanted, he turns out to be someone you never thought he’d be. And now you let your walls down for nothing.

  

  It’s not just other people we need to forgive. We also need to forgive ourselves. For all the things we didn’t do. All the things we should have done.

  

  If I could forget everything, I can honestly say I would. I can’t imagine how peaceful it would be to be able to pass you on the street and have no idea who you are.

  

  Someday I’d love to have no secrets. None at all. I’d tell my deepest secrets to somebody, anybody, and start fresh. I’d never keep a secret again because that’s really what tears us apart; untold secrets that we keep hiding. One day I’ll let go of all my secrets and fears.

  

  You pushed him pretty far away last night. He really loves you, you just don’t love yourself.

  

  Congratulations, you won. I have finally stopped trying. You are out of my life. Probably forever. But just remember that when you realize that you lost your first love, it was your fault. Don’t you dare try and pin this on me. I have done my fair share of messing up, but this one, it’s not my fault whatsoever.

  

  Commitment makes me itchy. I hate the idea that I’m going to be stuck doing the exact same thing every day for the rest of my life. So I just kind of run from the long term in hopes that my life won’t become some monotonous rut. Sure, maybe I’ll miss out on something completely amazing, but at least this way I’ll never get bored.

  

   

  Set your alarm. Get up bright and early. Pull on a baggy top and jogging bottoms. Go outside, no matter what the weather. Walk for ten minutes. Skip for five. Jog for five minutes. Then turn around and walk back. Nice and early with no one around. Then get back home again. Cut yourself some fruit. Apples, oranges, mangoes. All in. Add a little yogurt for a healthy start to the day. Go and pour yourself some water. Fresh water, ice cold. Refreshing. Go to the bathroom. Turn on the shower. Wash your hair with nice smelling shampoo and matching conditioner. Wash yourself with body lotion. Come out of the shower. Dry yourself all over. Slather yourself in body butter. You smell nice, clean, innocent, pure. Put something nice on. A pair of jeans, a top. Your favourite bra and pants. Towel dry your hair, leaving it damp to dry naturally. All natural. Go to the mirror. Look at what you see. Don’t like it? Pick out three things that your love. Your beautiful eyes, your shiny hair, your tinted cheeks. Go downstairs, ignore the kitchen. You’ve already had breakfast. Get a glass of water. Paint your nails. Read a book. Go for a walk. Call your friends. Spend some time with your family. Spend some time outside. You know this will be a beautiful day. The sun might not be shining, but you are. This day will be perfect. This day will be the most perfect day you’ve had so far. No binging, no purging, no crying, no cutting, no hating. Only loving and laughing and living. You can do this.

  

  You told me that I was just another face in the crowd, so I told you that you were just another jerk up the street. Maybe it was my fault to interrupt your words, because while you were walking away, I heard you murmur, “Another face in the crowd that managed to take my breath away.” While I found myself saying, “Another jerk up the street, that I’d die to live next to.”

  

   

  • 2:32 pm
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