July 4, 2012

• Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s beautiful ride

  

  Some people can just move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it, or at least seem to be. But for me, I don’t know. I didn’t want to fix it, to forget. It wasn’t something that was broken. It is just something that happened. And I am just finding ways, every day, of working around it. Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time. 

  

  I’m so afraid because I am so profoundly happy. Happiness like this is frightening. They only let you be this happy if they are preparing to take something from you.

  

  And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow and I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. And I hate old movies unless they make me cry and I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be. And I hate the sand that holds back the seas and I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me.

  

  You need to see that life is not always perfect. We will not always get what we want. And though it hurts a lot, what should’ve happened, happened. Who should’ve left, left, and whatever’s thrown you off course will always bring you to where it is you need to be.

  

  Some people can just move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it, or at least seem to be. But for me, I don’t know. I didn’t want to fix it, to forget. It wasn’t something that was broken. It is just something that happened. And I am just finding ways, every day, of working around it. Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time. 

  

  f someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.

  

  You’re going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you’re alive again. Life just kind of restarts.

  

  Life is the ability to feel so happy, you think your insides are going to explode. It’s being so upset or so disappointed that you feel as if your stomach just dropped ten feet out of place. It’s running so hard you can barely breathe. It’s that feeling of panic when you know you’ve been caught doing something wrong. It’s having that sudden rush before you kiss someone you care so much about. It’s opening your eyes in the morning and feeling them sting because you spent the whole night crying. It’s letting people go because new ones will always come in. It’s knowing that when you feel all these things, good or bad, you’re not alone in it. It’s realizing that there is always someone who finds you inspiring and beautiful and all the while, knowing that life doesn’t have a purpose unless you let it.

  

   

  Half of me wants to stay right where I am, in this stressful place because it’s all that I know. There’s something comforting in daily routine and sameness. Like perhaps everything isn’t as bad as it appears, that maybe these things just take time to fix themselves. The other half wants me to leave and never come back, to forget everything about this place that I call home and settle somewhere else. Somewhere where no one knows me and I can live as I please without any questions or criticism.

  

  Sometimes the things you want the most don’t happen, and what you least expect happens. I don’t know – you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet that one person, and your life is changed.

  

  Do you think I’m any less screwed up than you are? I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and I try and figure out just where in this world I fit in, and every morning I draw a complete blank.

  

  It’s crazy how we always end up where we’re meant to. How even the most ironic situations eventually teach you something you’d never dreamed you were going to learn. 

  

   

  You weren’t there when I needed you most. You didn’t call or hold me close. My heart was breaking in so many ways, but you walked away knowing I wasn’t okay, and I realized I was never worth it to you.

  

  I know you’re sorry. But being sorry isn’t enough.

  

  For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You’ll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you’ll realize it’s always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won’t understand why or how.

  

  Life was messy. Always had been and always would be and that was just the way it was, so why bother complaining? You either did something about it or you didn’t, and then you lived with the choice you made.

  

   

  I hate looking at myself and realizing that I don’t like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that. Everyday there’s something wrong. Just one trivial thing that can make me unhappy for just amoment. It’s like it’s not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling.

  

  Sometimes you feel everything and nothing all at once. Sometimes you’ll find yourself smiling while missing someone at the same time. At times you can absolutely love a person, all the while wanting to hate them so badly. Life comes without guarantees, except that smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and falling in love will change your life.

  

   

  Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.

  

  • 6:21 pm
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