December 22, 2012

• I’m not weak

  

  To everyone else, I’m this bubbly, cheerful girl with an omnipresent smile that doesn’t have a care in the world. I say stupid things and scream when people poke my sides. That’s not fake – that’s me. But there are deeper laters that only he seems to see. He called me out on wanting to do what I know I shouldn’t, he remains skeptical when everyone else thinks I’m fine. Maybe it’s because I’m not acting like that same girl without any capacity for pain when he’s around. When he’s there, I’m quiet, more reserved. When he’s around, it’s impossible to mask how much I care with a smile or a tinkling laugh. My top layer doesn’t exist around him. He can see straight into my soul, without any of the quirks piled on above. I’m still not sure whether that’s good or bad.


  
  

  Sometimes I am happy for just one moment.
In that one moment, I don’t think about my problems, 
I think of all the options I have. I think about all the years
ahead of me, I think about all the awesome people I will
meet, I think about all them adventures, about love, 
about all the places I have yet to discover.
 In that moment, I believe I will be happy 
one day, I know happiness is out there, I have hope.

  
  

  I was desperate to just start fresh, just be a face in the crowd, where no one knew me. Sometimes we just need that.

  
  

  Life is too awesome to waste your time
 thinking about someone who doesn’t treat you right.

  
  

  Here’s to the kids who try their hardest to be good enough for everyone; who spend hours reading random quotes to find the right one; who listen to the same song dozens of times because the lyrics mean a lot; who deserve so much more than they get and are willing to fight for it and whose wish upon a shooting star was wasted on someone that will never care.

  
  

  I guess it’s hard for people who are so used to things the way they are – even if they’re bad – to change. Because they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.

  
  

  Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand.

  
  

  One day you’re going to want that specific girl. That girl that knew she wasn’t perfect, but tried to be for you. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you and love you the only way she knew she could. That girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can’t bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it.

  
  

  Even though we’re no longer together, I still care about you. Not in the same way, of course. But that’s me; I won’t just leave the one I once loved out alone in the dark.

  
  

  Don’t bother saying sorry because it’s useless when you don’t mean it, and don’t bother asking to be friends, you don’t deserve my friendship, and don’t bother expecting me to be there for you anymore, because I won’t be there for someone who was never there for me.

  
  

  Do you really want me to tell you all the things I think you are, and all the things I know I am? Because I think you’re heartless and I know im weak.

  
  

  Do you ever sit and think, what if? What if you had never said the first hello, or what if our paths never crossed? What if you kept your mouth shut and just let things pass? What if you had just five more minutes? What if you could turn back time and make it all stand still? Where would your life be? Better? Worse? Less confused? More confused? Happier? Sadder? Just, what if?

  
  

  People think they know you. They think they know how you’re handling a situation. But the truth is, no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you’re lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don’t know what’s going on inside your head – the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn’t their fault. They just don’t know. And so they pretend and they say you’re doing great when you’re really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you.

  
  

  Your mother didn’t go through thirty hours of labor to see you be a clone of someone else, they have technology for that. She kept you captive in her womb, so when that when you were released, you’d be ready for the world and ready to stand your own ground.

  
  

  Sometimes the people who are always there for you, are the ones who need you the most.

  
  

  You are replaceable. And it bothers you because I am not. You aren’t going to find another me. You can try, but those girls won’t compare. You need me. But I don’t need you. I don’t think I ever really did.

  
  

  Nobody wants to admit to this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that’s because it’s all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper and sentence into someone’s ear and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it’s the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.

  
  

  • 3:42 pm
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