December 27, 2012
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Love is worth it
Bad stuff does happen sometimes. Always remember that, but remember that you have to move on, somehow. You just pick up your head and stare at something beautiful like the sky, or the ocean, and you’ll move the hell on.
It can be a painful thing to see somebody you are close to… just walk away. It can be more painful though when you have no idea why.
What I really want is somone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I will make myself miserable to make someone else happy.
Something has been taken away from you, and you’re numb. No wonder you’re so afraid of ending up alone. Because the day you are, you’re going to have to look inside yourself, and see what I’ve known for a long time: there’s nothing there.
I want to hear someone’s life story. A stranger’s. And then tell them mine. I want them to know everything about me. Those little things that I keep to myself because I’m afraid of judgment. Terrible, awful things that I lock up in the back of my head. My opinions. The truth. Everything and anything I can think of. And I want them to not hate me after wards.
I didn’t change. I’m still the girl who sits around and laughs at dumb things, and walks with the biggest smile on her face. You’re just mad because, frankly, i got tired of the bullshit and don’t give a damn anymore. You’re just mad because i’m not sitting home on a Friday night anymore wondering where you are, or who you’re with. Sweetie, you’re just mad that i finally moved on.
I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. When you’re hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop, and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just.. you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear.
Wanting you happy was always more important than wanting you.
Lightning doesn’t often strike the same place twice. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. Even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually the pain will go away, the shock will wear off. And you start to heal yourself. To recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favor. If you’re in just the right place at just the right time you can take a hell of a hit, and still have a shot at surviving.
I was just saying that sometimes our relationship seems so simple and easy. But no matter what, it just turns into a big mess. And there are days that I want to dive into that mess, but then, other days, I can’t help but wonder if maybe we’re just two people who don’t work as a couple.
We complain about how much life sucks. But how much of it is actually bad? Sure, the guy of our dreams may have broken our hearts, but what about the millions of other people who have a broken life. They didn’t ask for any of this. We did. We allowed ourselves to trust the guy that everyone else was warning us about. We let him control our emotions. The other people didn’t ask for their lives to be ruined. But look at us anyways. We’re complaining and whining about a life that’s pretty damn great. We can get up on our feet and move forward. Where are the others going?
Life changes. You get it all lined up just the way you like it and then something beyond your control comes along and bumps your off center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it and say “okay, now.. stay!”. But nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones and sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is that every single experience you go through changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It’s your job to decide how.
I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. I’ve narrowed my standards, and raised my expectations. On the outside, you were everything. On the inside, you were even better. & then it hurt. You made each day hurt more than the last. So now I’m scared. I’m terrified I’ll never find someone who makes me feel like you did. But most of all, I’m scared that I will never find someone who will live up to the standards you have set. I don’t want to miss out on love, just because you didn’t know what you had, when you had it.
I don’t know. I don’t want it to be like this. I hate this. I hate the way you’ve made me feel & I’m sick of pretending that it doesn’t hurt me because it does.
Smile so the tears wont fall, laugh like you werent hurt at all, fake so he’ll never know that you still havent let him go.
So when you’re done talking to her- or whatever you do, don’t call on me. I won’t be here; not as your back up. Not anymore.
