September 2, 2012

• I’m back

  

  I’ve learned this past year. I’ve changed, I’ve grown. Maybe things do happen for a reason, maybe they don’t. but no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, then it happens. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter, won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.

  

  I’m mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn’t do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all for not hating you which I know I should, but can’t.

  

  I’ve always followed my heart instead of my head. I’ve always jumped, always took that leap of faith into the unknown, having no idea of what the outcome of my actions would be. But now, now it’s so very clear. I need to stop following my heart. I just need to stop, before I do anything at all. I need to stop and think about it, about what I am about to do. I need to think about whether it is right or it is wrong. Because when you follow your heart, you lose track of what’s right and what’s wrong and it tears you apart.

  

  I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

  

  We’re all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what’s coming. It’s pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.

  

  I think I think too much. I worry over things that have yet to come, wasting time lingering over the future so much that I miss out on the joys of the present. I need to stop, I need to stop being this over-analytic, paranoid little girl; I need to start to be myself again. Because I’m sick of missing out on the joys of this life worrying over such nonsense – things that may not even ever happen.

  

  It takes strength to be firm, it takes courage to be gentle. It takes strength to conquer, it takes courage to surrender. It takes strength to be certain, it takes courage to have doubt. It takes strength to fit in, it takes courage to stand out. It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain, it takes courage to feel your own pain. It takes strength to endure abuse, it takes courage to stop it. It takes strength to stand alone, it takes courage to lean on another. It takes strength to love, it takes courage to be loved. It takes strength to survive, it takes courage to live.

  

  Everybody just keeps on moving on in this crazy, messed up world. That’s all you can do anyways. You keep smiling, you keep moving, you just keep on living. Cause who knows, you might just be the only thing keeping somebody else from stopping. You might be someone’s everything and not even know it. If you stop moving, what’s to keep them from stopping too?

  

  It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach, feels like your heart stopped beating, feels like that dream you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but its all out of your control, you cant trust anything anymore, no one is who they say they are, your life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of the whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break your heart like that again.

  

  • 8:57 pm
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