September 3, 2012

• Good as gold

  

  Sometimes there are things in our life that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes change may not be what we want.  Sometimes change is what we really need, and sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you’ll ever have to do, but sometimes it’s saying hello again that breaks you down and makes you the most vulnerable person you’ll ever know. Sometimes change is too much to bear, but most of the time change is the only thing saving your life.

  

  I wish there was something I could do for you, I wish there was some words I could say. But I know that you thought it out so well and I know there is nothing I should say. Figured it all out, figured it all out. And nothing stands up to biology. And truth is built on shady ground, depression’s all I get from philosophy. And, but really, but really, what truth I’ve found.

  

  Life isn’t about how many people call you and it’s not about who you’ve dated, are dating, or haven’t dated at all. It’s not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn’t about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it’s not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn’t about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It’s about how you feel about yourself. It’s about trust, happiness, and compassion. It’s about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It’s about what you say and what you mean. It’s about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have. Most of all, it is about living your life to touch someone else’s.

  

  The thing is you make me happy. You walked in when it seemed like the rest of the world walked out. You were there. You are there. I never need to pretend when I’m around you, when I’m talking to you, when I’m with you. You’re hilarious; you make me laugh, like, all the time. You seem to pick up that something’s wrong before anyone else does. And you know exactly what to say to make it all okay, and even if it’s only for a little while, it helps. The thing is I love you. Thank you, for everything.

  

  I’m tired of people saying he’s not worth my tears. If he wasn’t worth it, I wouldn’t still be crying. You don’t know it, but that boy changed my world. You’ll never know how much he meant to me.

  

  I miss you most when I’m driving alone and that song comes on the radio. You know, the one you always used to sing to me, no matter how much grief I gave you. You always sang it and I always smiled at you.

  

  To forget somebody isn’t possible. Deep inside, you remember everything. You may not think of them for years at a time but you don’t know how to forget. You can recall the way they smiled when they were happy and the way their face showed no expression when they couldn’t find their way.

  

  It’s been a long time since I’ve actually enjoyed the sunset. I like all the colors mixing into each other. I am getting better, slowly, and things are starting to look up. Sometimes you might even see me cracking a true honest-to-god smile. It’s rare but it happens more often now. And even if no one else notices, I do. And that is all that really matters.

  

  I’m tired of people worrying about if they’re going to hurt me or how I feel. I can handle my own fate. I’ve been heartbroken before and trust me, it’s not a fun road, but I don’t think I’ll ever be that heartbroken again. My theory is once your heart has been broken you will never feel that much pain again because once your heart breaks it will never be the same again. Your heart will heal, but there will always be missing pieces. And that’s how my heart is. It’s missing pieces. Sure, I will get hurt, but I can handle it.

  

  I look at all the pictures of the past, thinking of how the years went by so fast. The dances, the parties, the jokes, the laughs, the shoulders to cry on and cute photos, the people I’ve known since way back when. The new kids came every now and then. The friendships you make come and go, but there’s always those few you’ll always know.

  

  You can’t blame me for trying. I’ve gone through seasons waiting for you, with nothing changing but the weather. And I want to say that I’m okay being alone, and I want to show you I’m okay being alone, but even if I said it I wouldn’t mean it. To be quite honest the only thing getting me through these days is the false hope that things are going to be okay, that they’re going to get better. But without you, I’m never okay because you’re the only thing that makes me better.

  

  When was the last time I was truly and completely happy? Funnily enough, it was when I didn’t know you. I would live my life happily, so carefree. Now, I can’t be happy when I’m not around you. But then, I can’t really ever be fully happy when I am around you, because I know I will always want more than what we are.

  

  • 10:26 pm
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